Jokes or funny stories!!

Man in court for stealing a coat.
The judge says "Weren't you up before me 2 years ago for stealing a coat?"
Man replied "Well how long do you expect a coat to last!"


Another man up in court.
Judge says "You are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer".
A voice from the back of the court shouted "You f'in lousy b'stard!".
The court went silent.
The judge continued, "You are also charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer".
The same person from the back of the court shouted "You f'in tw*t!".
The judge said, "Well this can not go on, come here that man".
The man stands before the judge and the judge starts, "Well, I can understand you being upset by this case, but if you continue your outbursts I will charge you with contempt. Now, why do you keep shouting?"
"Well", started the man, "I've lived next door to this b'stard for over 20 years........... every time I've asked to borrow a hammer he says he aint got one!"

HAHEHE ...

So sorry doomstain, I am just not funny.... sorry...

Evidently, neither am I....

Well you do have some funny jokes... :( did not want to hurt your feelings sir... :D

A young lad was walking home from the pub one night. It was cold and windy and nearly all the street lights were broke. As he turned into his street he heard a strange noise. Coming into his street he saw what looked like a box. As it emerged from the shadows he saw it was a coffin. This scared him somewhat so he started to walk briskly to his house but the coffin followed him.

Bump Bump

Bump Bump

So he walked faster but the coffin went faster as well.

Bump Bump

Bump Bump

So he started running but the coffin kept gaing on him

Bump Bump Bump

Bump Bump Bump

Eventually he reached his house and fumbled for his keys and the coffin got closer and closer.

Once inside he locked the door terrified but with a mighty crash the coffin burst through the door.

With that the lad ran upstairs and barricaded himself into the bathroom.
He had a severe case of the sh**ts by noe as he heard the coffin coming up the stairs.
Crash! The coffin burst through the bathroom door.
In desperation he opened his bathroom cabinet and threw a bar of Imperial Leather at the coffin but it kept on coming. He then threw his can of Lynx but it kept on coming.

finally hew threw his benylin and the coffin stopped

Sorry about the typos I got a bit carried away

I met a guy the other day who could play 'dancing queen' on the didgeridoo. I thought, that's aboriginal...

A small water dispenser goes to the doctors and says "Oh doctor, I'm not a tall well"

sausage sandwich wrote:

A small water dispenser goes to the doctors and says "Oh doctor, I'm not a tall well"

YELLOW CARD ! That was a shocker of a tackle Mr.Sausage

yea jokes for the over 10's only please sandwich. :shock:

I went to buy a watch and the bloke said "Analogue?". I said 'No, just a watch'.

You should have hit him for asking so many questions...

ok, I'll go sit in the sin bin for 2 days

BTW Tony........ "New speaker, new line" !!! :lol!:

oh hang on....... just thought of anuva........

Man goes to a tailors.
"Is Fred in?", he asked
"No, he's just gone to the cotton mill to buy more cotton", came the reply (note new speaker new line)
"When will he be back?", he asked
"Thursday", came the reply
Thursday came and the man went back to the tailors again
"Is Fred in?", he asked
"No, he's just gone to buy more cotton, he'll be back on Monday"
Monday came and once again the man went to the tailors.
"Is Fred in?", he asked
"No, he's dead.", came the reply, "They burried him yesterday"
"Oh no", said the man, "Where have they burried him, I'd like to go and pay my respects?"
"At the cemetery up the road", was the reply
The man went up to the cemetery and found Fred's grave.
There on his gravestone it read "Fred, gone....... but not for cotton"

damn, I can't stop myself...........

man goes into a pub.
"Orange juice please", he asked
"Still orange?", asked the barman
"Yes, I've not changed my mind", replied the man

A true question from an un-named member of this forum. DO I TAKE THE CASINGS OFF THE SAUSAGES?

Well I must admit I prefer the breakfast sausages without! .... call me strange.....

THE CASING IS PART OF THE SAUSAGE, DO NOT TAKE IT OFF, EAT IT. EAT IT I SAY....

Man goes into a pet shop and asks "Have you got a blind dog for my mother-in-law?"
"Don't you mean a guide dog?", came the reply
"No", the man replied, "a blind dog, if it see's her it'll go for her throat!"

2 nuns driving down a country lane.
Suddenly a yob jumps out in front of the car. The car screeches to a halt, at which point the yob jumps onto the bonet and starts to pull at the windscreen wipers.
The 2 nuns were terrified and feared for their lives.
"Don't hurt us, we are nuns" they both shouted to the yob
The yob ingored them and continued his rampage.
"I don't think he believes us", said the 1st nun, "What should we do?"
"I don't know", said the 2nd, "try showing him your cross."
"ok, I'll try", said the 1st nun.
At which point, she wound down her window, leant out and shouted "Oy you f'in tw*t, get off the f'in car!"

Daren wrote:

Well I must admit I prefer the breakfast sausages without! .... call me strange.....

you cant do that! Thats called meatloaf..

A young lady inherited a farm after her husband died but after a few weeks she realised she couldn't cope so she put an ad in the paper. Only 2 people applied for the job. One was gay and the other one was a drunk. After careful consideration she opted for the gay., figuring he would be more reliable and safer around the house. She being on her own. All went well for a couple of months. He worked hard and didn't mind long hours. She decided he had earned some sort of reward so she suggested that he go into the town for the night and kick over the traces.
The following morning he hadn't returned.
Half way through the afternoon he eventually turned up looking very sheepish.
She called him into the house and shut the door.
Come here and unbutton my blouse.

Nervously he fumbled with the buttons.

Now take of my skirt.

Very red faced he did.

Now unhook my Bra.

He did.



AND IF YOU EVER GO INTO TOWN IN MY CLOTHES AGAIN YOU ARE FIRED

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'guess' on it.
I said, 'thyroid problem?'

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get the wife to go swimming...

A man goes to the chemist
Holding thumb and forefinger very closely together he asked "Have you got a durex 'that' big?"
The chemist looked at his gesture and replied "But that would only be big enough to fit a mouse"
"I know" replied the man, "The house is overrun with em"


a man goes to the chemist (obviously a different chemist and a different man else they'd be getting suspicious of all these jokes that happen whenever they meet)
anyway...... the man says "Can you help me, I can't stop scratching?"
"Drop ya pants and lets take a look", said the chemist
"ok, you've got crabs", came the chemists diagnosis
"What can i do?", asked the man
"No prob's", started the chemist, "on the way home, get a pound of icing sugar and rub it well in"
"Will that cure em?", asked the man
"No, rotts their teath, you'll get a good nights sleep", replied the chemist.

This must be worth a booking from the ref.......

Q: what's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: a zebra


Q: Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: a carrot


Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: a stick

Piece of hardboard goes to heaven and says "God I'm board"

Piece of glass goes to the doctors and says "Oh doctor, I'm in pane"