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 Jokes or funny stories!!

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PostSubject: Jokes or funny stories!!   Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:24 am

40 degrees-

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees-

Italian cars won't start.

People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees-

Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.

People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees-

Californians begin to evacuate the state.

People in Scotland go swimming.

Zero degrees-

New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero-

People in Miami cease to exist.

People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero-

Californians fly away to Mexico.

People in Scotland think about a light jacket.

80 degrees below zero-

Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold
enough.

100 degrees below zero-

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

People in Scotland throw on their Big jumpers.

173 degrees below zero-

Ethyl alcohol freezes.

People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero-

Microbial life start to disappear.

Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero-

ALL atomic motion stops.

People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

500 degrees below zero-

Hell freezes over.

Scottish people think about supporting England in World Cup!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:42 am

How do you keep a masturbator in suspense?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:53 am

HOW???


HAHAHAHAHA
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:51 am

Snowstorm wrote:
HOW???

I'll tell you tomorrow!

:lol:
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:54 am

When Hell freezes over the Norwegians put on a light jacket and the we are not licking flagpoles!

Anything god wants to share with us?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:57 am

Ha ha ha - you Norvegians sure have a funny sense of humour.

And there is no god.





What are you on about? 😕
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:59 am

Sorry bout that, God did post here first so I guess there is a God.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Thu Feb 21, 2008 9:55 am

A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."


An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"


A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Thu Feb 21, 2008 12:20 pm

sausage sandwich wrote:


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."

"

Best joke of the year, bar none...
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:56 pm

An Eskimo takes his car to a garage with water and oil pouring from the engine.
Mechanic takes a quick glance under the bonnet and announces "Looks like you've blown a seal mate".
To which the Eskimo replied "naaaa thats just frost on my moustache"


Bill and Ben in bed.
Bill says to Ben "squab blob blob blab blob blob".
Ben replied "Swallow it for god sake!"


Man goes into a dentists and asks "What prices do you charge?"
"Well", replied the dentist, "we have 3 sets of charges"
"The first option", continued the dentist, "is 10000. For that you get no blood, no pain, and beautiful teeth".
"The 2nd option", he continued, "costs 5000. For that you get a little bit of blood, some pain, and ok teeth".
"Right", interupted the man, "What is the cheapest?"
"20 quid" replied the dentist.
"ok", said the man, "What do I get for 20 quid then?"
"Well", started the dentist, "you get loads of pain, gallons of blood, and awful teeth"
"That'll do", replied the man, "I'll send the wife on Monday"


The old ones are the best ;o)
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PostSubject: Great..   Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:01 am

Keep them coming, they're great
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Sat Feb 23, 2008 9:05 am

There was a Norwegian, a Scotsman, an Aussie and an American traveling on the train north from Nakhon to Bangkok. They hadn't gone far when the Norwegian reached under his chair and pulled out a big handful of Norwegian Krona. Next thing he throws them out of the window much to the surprise of the other three.
"What did you do that for?" they all asked.
"Back home in Nakhon, I have millions" he replied.
Two hundred kilometres up the track, the Scotsman, not to be outdone, reached under his seat and pulled out a huge handfull of Pounds sterling which he immediately threw out the window.
"What did you do that for?" they all asked.
"Back home in Nakhon, I have millions," he replied.
Not to be outdone, the Aussie threw the American out the window.

:P
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:04 pm

A little boy continuously asks his parents for a tv in his room.
At the boys 9t birthday, the parents finally give in and get him a tv that they then have connected to their cable tv package.
All is well until one morning the boy asks his dad "Dad, what is love juice?"
The man is caught completely off guard and instantly wondering what late night channels the boy has been watching.
In a panic, the man decides the boy is old enough to understand so continues to tell him about intercourse and stimulation.
The boys face drops and he starts sobbing after hearing the graphical explanation.
Confused by his reaction, the man asked "What program have you been watching son?"
"Wimbledon dad", replied the boy.


Q: What is red and stupid?
A: A blood clot

Q: Whats got 1 ear, 1 eye, and 4 legs?
A: Half a dogs head on a chair.


Man goes to the doctors and quite embarrassedly tells the doctor about a mole on the end of his manhood.
The doc tells the man to drop his pants and proceeds to take a look.
"Well", starts the doc, "I can remove the mole no problem, but I'll have to report you to the RSPCA"


Man comes home from work and greets his wife in the usual chirpy way, "Hello dear"
"DONT YOU 'HELLO DEAR' ME!", she shouted, "He's YOUR son, YOU sort him out!".
The man aint got a clue whats going on so probes for a few clues as to what has triggered the outburst.
"HE", started the woman, "has been sent home from school today because he was caught having sex his the English teacher. You can talk to him because I just cant look at him right now."
"ok", says the man, and heads towards the stairs. At which point, he skips up the stairs 2 steps at a time and bounces into the boys bedroom.
"Well done son", he said, "chip off the old block! I always fancied my English teacher but never had the guts to approach her."
"In fact", continued the man, "I'm so proud of you I'm going to buy you that new racing bike you've been wanting"
"Oh Christ no dad", replied the boy, "I couldn't sit on that thing with my arse this sore"


Please Mr web admin, can you increase the value of the session variable timeout? I got distracted mid-flow and when I submitted my posting my session had expired so it logged me out and lost my ramblings.
There's a shiny 10 baht in it for ya
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:24 pm

Two old drunks were chatting in a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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PostSubject: Travel advice from Mozanbique   Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:02 am

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:49 pm

Anyone fancy a trip to good old Mozambioue
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:13 pm

One for the Yorkshire lads.............

Man walks into a convenience store in Yorkshire and asks "Excuse me, do you sell turps?"
The shop keeper looks at him and replies (in a Yorkshire accent) "What kind of turps, cassette turps or video turps?"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Sat Mar 01, 2008 11:01 pm

An old couple won 2million on the lottery.
"What should we do with the money George?", asked the woman.
"I know what to do", he replied, "We'll put it all in the bank and buy something nice every year off the interest".

They put the money in the bank and wait.

A year goes by and the woman asks "What should we buy this year George?"
"I know", he said, "We'll have an inside toilet"
So they have an inside toilet built.

Another year goes by and the woman asks "What should we buy this year George?"
"I know", he said, "We'll have a huge barbeque, get all the neighbours around".
So, they host a huge barbeque and all of the neighbours are there.

Eventually, one of the neighbours goes over to talk with George.....

"Well George", he started, "I can't get my head around it.......... before you won all that money, you used to sh*t outside and eat in the house!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:05 am

sausage sandwich wrote:
One for the Yorkshire lads.............

Man walks into a convenience store in Yorkshire and asks "Excuse me, do you sell turps?"
The shop keeper looks at him and replies (in a Yorkshire accent) "What kind of turps, cassette turps or video turps?"

Excellent stuff.

All these jolks and jurps ar kepping mi well amooosed.

:cheer:
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Tue Mar 04, 2008 3:46 pm

Wally was planning a roadtrip from Sydney to Melbourne.
His mate, Barry asked him which route he was going to take.
To which Wally replied: I reckon I'll take the missus...she's been pretty good to me over the years.
🥝
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Tue Mar 04, 2008 4:00 pm

I would have left her alone... That has got to be the stupidest joke ever... EVER :sleep:
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Wed Mar 05, 2008 2:05 pm

Snowstorm wrote:
I would have left her alone... That has got to be the stupidest joke ever... EVER :sleep:

And that is funny...how?? :roll:
I've seen a few of your comments on other peoples' jokes..but no jokes of your own...mmmm
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:42 pm

"Doctor can you help. I think I'm a moth".
"You don't need me Sir you should see a Phsyciatrist"
"Well I was on my way there but I saw your light on"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:34 pm

mysterytrevor@hotmail.co. wrote:
"Doctor can you help. I think I'm a moth".
"You don't need me Sir you should see a Phsyciatrist"
"Well I was on my way there but I saw your light on"

keep them coming Uh
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes or funny stories!!   Thu Mar 06, 2008 11:27 pm

Ooooooh I know a moth one.........

What did the moth say as it flew out of the window?


"I'm off" (a moth..... gettit?) guess you had to be there


Man walked into a pub with a frog growing out of his ear.
"Thats very unusual", said the barman, "I've never seen owt like that before"
and the frog replied, "i know, it started as a boil on me arse!"
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