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 A true story ...

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VTR1000
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PostSubject: A true story ...   Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:00 pm

The other night I was sitting outside one of the bars in town enjoying a beer or two. Not yet drunk but a little tipsy I noticed this female tourist sitting across the way. She wasn't beautiful but she did have that 'certain' appeal. Her face was pretty enough although it showed the ravages of age. Slight wrinkles surrounded the corners of her eyes, her skin, especially on her cheeks bore the results of many years traveling in the tropics. But still, there was 'something' about her that gave her a kind of appeal.

I had another beer and with it came a little Dutch courage. I wiped my the corners of my mouth, stuck a stick of chewing gum into my mouth and made a move. I went over to her table and politely introduced myself to which she answered in a friendly unassuming way. I was immediately at ease and I sat down and we started to chat as if we had known each other for years. It transpired that she was 57 years old, a little older than I had first thought, but, what the hell, she was nice.

Our conversation, fuelled by another few bottles of beer soon turned more personal. She speaking more than me ... but I didn't complain. She asked me my age, how many girlfriends I had had and if I was married or not. I gave her answers, all true. I told her about some of my schoolday girlfriends, how I was 'ditched' by my first love when I was 16 - after she'd caught me smoking. Broke my heart she did too! I told her about my first marriage, the children and the divorce. I told her about my present situation too ... she listened intently. She knew all about me and I her - yet we were still strangers, drinking beer in a bar in a country a long long way from our own.

"Do you like threesomes" she asked.
I had just taken a swig of beer. 'What??' I blurted out, spraying droplets of my precious Singha into the cool evening air.
"What do you think of threesomes?" she again asked.
Regaining my composure after this unexpected enquiry, I replied 'Well, they're ok, I suppose, if all people are consenting.'
"What about you and a mother and daughter?" she asked.

So there I was, on the verge of being drunk and this strange women is asking me about me and a mother and daughter threesome. I said nothing at first. I was taking in the situation ,looking at this stranger, looking into her eyes, studying her facial features, noticing the small mole on the right side of her chin. She was quite attractive I thought. Then my mind started to wander ... I wonder if she has a daughter ... What will she be like? ... Does she have .......

I was interrupted, mid way through my thoughts. The woman spoke to me, she spoke in a quiet voice, even a little sexily I suppose. She asked if I would like to 'do' a mother and daughter, 'do' a mother and daughter tonight. I didn't say a word. The beer was making my mind uneasy, maybe making this woman more attractive than she actually was but I thought and after a little while, 'Why not?'
I asked the woman where she was staying. 'The Thai Hotel' she replies, 'Just across the road.' So the two of us smiled at each other. I winked at her and she gave me a wry smile in return. We paid our bills and started the short walk across the road, arms brushing as we did so. It didn't take long and soon we were in the reception area of the hotel. We waited a little time and then, 'ding' and we knew the lift had arrived. The doors slid open and I followed her into the confined space of the 1940's style lift. She pushed the button for the 6th floor and the motion of the lift could be felt as we were carried effortlessly up. 'Ding' and the elevator came to a halt, the doors slid open and we walked out into the semi-dark passageway. 'We are staying in room 635' she whispered to me and she led the way. Soon, we were at the door of room 635. I'm standing there, heart pounding at the thought of what was to come. My new found friend looked at me, smiled and then knocked on the door. A few moments later the door slowly opened. When my eyes had adjusted to the change in light I noticed the face of a very old lady, face covered in wrinkles, false teeth obviosly not being worn and wearing a nightdress that looked like there was nothing in it.
"Mum, I've found somebody." I heard her say, as they both tried to lead me into the bedroom .....................>
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PostSubject: the ending please?   Mon Feb 18, 2008 3:09 pm

VTR1000, was starting to get excited there! What were they like? Any good?
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PostSubject: Hmmm...   Mon Feb 18, 2008 4:00 pm

Is this a recurring dream then? :x
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PostSubject: True or not!!!!   Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:06 am

👽 You did tell me that story 3 years ago, so come clean Mr. VTR... How true is it???
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PostSubject: Another true story ...   Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:17 am

When I was younger I used to live in a small rural village in the middle of England. This village comprised of an old church, a pub, a few houses and in the centre of the village there was a cricket green with a fairly wide duck pond to the side. There was only farmland for as far as one could see surrounding the village.

Anyway, back in those days I did a lot of work away. My contract was three months working away and three months paid leave. Due to the stresses of my work, I would often turn to beer as a way of relaxing, more so during my leave periods. The Farrier's Arms was the name of the only pub in the village. George, a big strapping and jovial man was the landlord. He had been running The Farrier's Arms for over 12 years and was now part of this rural community.

Because of the village's location, George didn't have to worry too much about opening times. The only policeman in the area was a Farrier's regular! It was in the late 1980s, 1987 I think or maybe 1988 when I was in The Farriers having a few drinks having just started my leave. It was a cool November evening and the beers were going down well. While not drunk, I may have been a little tipsy. It was around midnight when I decided it was time to go home so I paid my bill, bade farewell to George and started walking home.

The chilly night air hit me once I was outside the Farriers so as I buttoned my coat up I started the walk home. I was passing the graveyard next to the village church when I first heard it ... clang ... clang ... clang. What's that strange noise I asked myself and turned to see. I turned and at first I couldn't see anything, then, in theshadows of theyew trees I saw it, a strange box like thing, it was a coffin! A coffin, making noises in the middle of the night.

How much had I had to drink? Was I drunk? I kept asking myself these questions and continued walking home. Clang .. clang .. clang. I turned around and could see the coffin very clearly now. The coffin was following me along the pavement! I increased my speed - clang . clang . clang ... and so did the coffin. I was starting to get scared and started running. Clang, clang, clang behind me. I got to the corner where Mrs Forsythe lived, turned and from there I could see the front door of my own house. I ran faster.

Clang, clang, clang - the coffin was getting closer! I fumbled for my keys. This pocket , that pocket and eventually found them. I ran to my front door, unlocked it, opened it and went inside slamming the door shut behind me. I stood there, sweating from the running and shaking because of the fear. Clang, clang, clang and I could hear the coffin coming up my garden path. I ran up the stairs and hid in my bathroom, the only room with a lock on the door.

KERBANG!!!!

The coffin smashed my front door off its hinges. I was shaking with fear. Clang ... clang ... clang. I heard the coffin slowly climbing the stair. Clang ... clang ... clang.
I held my breath when I heard the coffin moving just a few inches fro me. The sounds stopped and then after what seemed like an age, the bathroom door disintegrated as the coffin came into the bathroom ... less than three feet away from me!
"What do you want?" I shouted, "Who are you and why are you following me?"
I was thinking, thining fast. What could I do??

Then, all of a sudden, it came to me. I quickly opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Vino syrup. I read the label, perfect!

On the label it said: Vinos - instantly eases sore throats and stops any coughing.

:lol:
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PostSubject: The Nazi Regime   Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:32 am

During WWII there was a young jewish boy playing in the streets of Poland. He played games all day long and was longing for his birtday the following day. The war had just started but little did he know about that. Germany had swept through the country and had taken them with little or no resistance.

While the little boy played the large tanks from the german ary drove past them, and one of them stopped.

One officer came out, looked around himself and walked over to the little boy.

The boy got scared and he looked at the strong officer who smiled at him.

"What are you doing?" asked the officer.
"I just play with my friends" answered the boy.

the conversation lasted until the officer asked how old the boy was.

"I will be seven tomorrow" the boy said proudly pointing his chest out.

"Do you want to bet about that?" asked the officer with a smile on his face.
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This joke is very mean and I was told it by a jew so I have no problem telling it. The first time I heard it I laughed for a good 2 minutes... Its funny but sadistic...
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:49 am

The Scotsman, the English man and The Norwegian man was arguing on who was the best swimmer...

I can swim farther than either of the two of you said the scotsman, before adding I once swam from Scotland to England.

Hah, that is nothing said the English. I swam from England to Ireland once and back again the next day. SO I AM A BETTER SWIMMER THAN YOU TWO.

The norwegian looked at them both and said, I have no money so ask yourself how I discovered that great land over there with all the indians on it?

Shortly after a french came to bring order among the ranks and he suggested a swimming contest.

"OK, you swim from one side of the pool to the other and whoever makes it fastest is the best swimmer, agree?" he said.

Ok from all three of them...

The Scot jumped in and started swimming, he got about halfway before he yelled for help as he was so tired. Then he drowened.

The English laughed and jumped in, "Ha, I can do better", he said...
He started swimming, and about 2/3 of the way he got very tired but fought on. When it was 5 meters left he got so tired he drowned to...

The Norwegian looked at both the bodies and asked if he could not swim, but the french would not have anything of that, so he made him jump in. About halfway he got really tired and started thinking about surving. 5 meters left, but so tired, I better swim back so I wont die, he thought and so he did.
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No if that is not a bad joke, I dont know...
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:27 pm

This is a serious thread, 'True stories'.

The joke thread can be found here: JOKE THREAD
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:24 am

If today is Sunday, yesterday was Saturday!

:shock:
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:57 pm

But the real question is, what day will it be tomorrow???
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Sat Mar 01, 2008 10:21 am

Saturday of course!

Cough
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PostSubject: Re: A true story ...   Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:16 pm

But that was yesterday, how can tomorrow and yesterday be the same day? unless, ofcourse, I understand now... How stupid am I?
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